Disclaimer: Clients, before you read this just know that I wouldn’t have Jungle Gym and the people in it any other way.
There’s nothing healthier for your heart than some good ol’ laughter. There is plenty of that in Jungle Gym. Lots of inside jokes, air guitar, witty comebacks, and personality matches. Granted, there’s a lot of other things that take place inside the Jungle’s walls other than laughter.
And that is eye rollin’. . .
In order to avoid handstand punishments or me dropping sarcasm all over your dumbbells, here is a list of conversations that always occur in Jungle Gym. That being said, hopefully after my clients read this they will never ask me these fooleries again (even though I love them no matter what). Here’s to a good laugh.
1. Me – “Once you complete your warm-up, use your first round to warm-up even more. It’s 15 Strict Presses, 15 Dumbbell Step Ups, and 15 Ring Rows.”
*Clients disperse like mice.*
Client – “Is it 15 Step Ups each side?”
Me – “No. It’s 7 and a half each side.” Walks away.
It will always be each side. Mountain Climbers. Bruce Lees. Lunges. Dumbbell Snatches. Shoulder Slaps. No matter what. You guys know this!
2. *Client Dead Lifting*
Me mid-set: “How much is that?”
Client – “That’s 5.”
Me – “No. How much weight is that?”
Client – “Oh. I dunno.”
There are many problems here. 1. How are you going to keep track of your progress if you don’t know what weight you are lifting? 2. What if it was 300 pounds and you popped a hamstring? 3. Care about your workouts. Not understanding your weights is not caring.
Andrew and I have come up with a very logical way to fix this problem. 50 Bruce Lees each side for not knowing how much weight your are picking up.
3. Some weeks in order to boost our conditioning, after every song we do a certain amount of burpees during the workout.
*Song goes off*
Me – “12 Burpees everyone!”
Client – “Are they chest to floor?”
Me – “Nope. Face to floor.”
They will always be chest to floor. Non-chest to floor burpees are called squat thrusts. I don’t need a fancy jump at the top, but yes; always chest to floor.
4. *Client gets under the bar for squats*
*Client performs 3 reps*
Client – “Oh wait. How many are we doing?”
Clients: Know how many you are doing before you start to do. Focus more or you get the death stare and the maniacal laugh.
*Client cleans the bar up to perform clean, squat, and presses*
*Client does 3 reps*
Client – “Are we supposed to press too?”
Clients: Know what you are doing before you start to do. Focus more or you get the cold shoulder and a lump of coal for Christmas.
4. Gene – “Can we listen to Justin Bieber?”
Me – “No.”
Client – “Can we listen to Nicki Minaj?”
Me – “No.”
Client – “I need music.”
Me – “I need a nap.”
Brandon – “Can you. . .”
Me – “No, I will not play Lifestyle by Young Thug!”
Perhaps my biggest battle amongst the Jungle Gympanzees is over music. I always win.
5. Today’s workout: Rack Walks. Handstands. Swiss Ball Pikes. Planks. Jumping Knee Tucks.
Client – “Can we do abs?”
I blame the magazines for this. I load a workout with core exercises, but just because they don’t “burn” the abs, people think they aren’t working the abdominals. These are some of the best ab exercises on the planet. 1,000 crunches are not.
*The next day*
Me – “How you feelin’?”
Client – “My abs hurt.”
This happens quite often with “booty” too. Damn magazines and your booty workouts.
6. Me – “What’s wrong? Why are you suffering through this workout?”
Client – “I threw up this morning. I’m sick.”
Me – “Go home.”
Clients. Do not come to work out sick. A. Nobody wants your germs. B. Your immune system is weak and you’re not strengthening it. Geoffie angry.
7. TnB = There and back. Mainly used for traveling exercises.
The Board – “Bear Crawls. 3TnB”
Me – “There and back is one. Go there and back. 3 times. There and back. Not just there, but back also.”
Client – “So is 1 rep there and back?”
I’ll leave you on that note. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
This is where your body changes,